Functional Solutions For Living

Self-esteem is one of the most important aspects influencing your performance and success in many areas of life. It can help you get a job (and keep on getting promotions!). It can help you make friends and get dates. And people with high self-esteem generally feel happier, healthier, and more stable and secure.

Don Hamachek is a highly respected author and researcher in the field of psychology. He’s had a big influence on studies of self-esteem and interpersonal relationships. His research was published in Encounters with Others (New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Wilson, 1982). Here are some of his findings on the importance of self-esteem:

People with high self-esteem . . .
* Usually see other people in a better light, too.
* Expect other people to like and accept them.
* Perform better in high pressure situations, and do better work when the standards are high.
* Feel confident and secure enough to shrug off negative comments from others.

On the other hand, people with low self-esteem . . .
* Frequently dislike others.
* Expect that other people will dislike and reject them.
* Have trouble performing under pressure, and find it hard to work in demanding environments.
* Are more vulnerable to negative comments and reactions from others.

These tendencies can spill over into all areas of a person’s life, with big consequences. That’s why self-esteem is the critical factor – it’s one of those make-or-break variables that has the power to transform your life, for good or bad. High self-esteem is a little like a magic spell that works in any number of situations.

If you’re struggling in any area of your life, whether personal or professional, it’s possible that your problems are just symptoms of a bigger problem: low self-esteem. Find a way to improve your self-esteem, and you can expect things to start improving in lots of ways.

Those of you who know me, know that I don’t recommend many products.  I do however on occasion recommend products from the Hypnosis Network.  They offer the best hypnosis products from the best psychologists hypnosis has to offer.

Core Inner Strength, a hypnosis program developed by Dr. Shirley McNeal, is a fun and easy way to improve your self-esteem. In just four hypnotic sessions, you will discover the life-changing secrets behind experiencing comfort and safety in yourself, raising your self-esteem and self-confidence, and finding your inner strength.

To learn more about Dr. McNeals’s program, CLICK HERE

Hi everyone, hope you have been making it a great summer!  Today, I wanted to address what I believe are some misunderstandings that arose after I published “Can We Be Authentic and Spiritual at the Same Time.”

There appears to be some confusion as to what I was trying to say.  Seems that many of you, despite my stating the contrary, seemed to think I was endorsing being mean in the service of being authentic.

What I was attempting to illustrate was that much of what we believe are often just conceptual images that are incongruous with our moment to moment thinking, feeling and emotional states or life as it is, as it is.  Much of what we believe is just manufactured after the fact to make us feel good or right or whatever.

I used the example of the guy that was calling himself authentic and spiritual and stated that he could not be authentic and spiritual at the same time because of his internal picture of what it meant to be spiritual.

He had a view of being spiritual and authentic in which he attached many nice images and concepts but left no room for other human thoughts, feelings, emotions and states.

I am sorry folks but life is a very large container that makes room for everything.  That includes the things that we don’t think are so nice.

The material and the spiritual seem to be paradoxical but they are not.

We are called human beings.

We have this materialistic, petty human side that includes all of our emotions, thoughts, impulses, biological drives, past experiences our grasping and wanting…everything!  To deny this is to deny our human-ness.  To get caught up in it is insanity, is suffering, is dissatisfaction.

We also have a Being side that just is.  It is complete.  It has no need to seek nor grasp for anything.  It is the part of us that is one with everything, that is everything.  It has no need for anything because it is everything.  It is cut off from nothing.  So it needs nothing.  To deny this is to be cut off from your true nature, to be cut off from The Absolute/God.

This humanbeingness is what we are.  The human side is not separate from being side.  The spiritual is not cut off from the material.  We need to survive, we need to live, we need to thrive but we also need to love and to be that love.

They are two sides of the same coin.

I am digressing a bit and think the humanbeingness thing will have to be another post.

So back to my main point…

We have many voices within us and when we repress the ones we don’t like or think are bad and lock them down in the basement we get in trouble.  They become covert and antagonistic.

They will  be heard and will cause problems for us. Whether they become recurring themes in relationships or just become these mysterious negative patterns we seem doomed to repeat, they will resurface.

Sometimes we need that asshole aspect of ourselves as much as we need the nice guy.  Maybe we are getting walked all over at a meeting and need to make a firm boundary and do it quick.  We need the asshole aspect to lay down the law!

When we do not repress these other aspects they become, like I said in the last post, integrated and non-problematic. Because they are not repressed they ripen and become mature.  And when they are mature, we have no fear of them causing us problems because they know what to do and when to do it.

So when the asshole comes out in the integrated person it comes out as the mature asshole and lays down a firm boundary that is reasonable, well thought out, in tune with the other aspects of the self and presented with assertiveness and not aggressiveness.  You actually don’t get caught up in the potential assholery of it.

When we force that unwanted aspect of ourselves underground, it does not get to have its say, it does not ripen it does not mature and have dialogue with the other aspects of the self so that is can serve us well.  It becomes covert and problematic.  That is when we get caught up in the assholery of it.

See the difference?

I think I may go a little deeper into this in an upcoming post as there seems to be much confusion about this topic.  I think that if I explain it differently it might make more sense to those of you who are having trouble with it.

So when we do not deny that aspect of ourselves, we let it mature and when it does speak, it knows better than to say the mean thing.

Look, we can all be mean at times.  But what I am trying to say is that when we disown that or any aspect of ourselves, it never gets a chance to be heard, to be understood and to grow up.  And when that aspect of ourself is denied, misunderstood and immature, it can and will cause problems.  That is when the mean thing is said, the transgression occurs, the fight ensues, the adultery happens, etc, etc, etc…

I hope this helps.

Until next time…

Kind Regards,

A

Hi everyone!  I am going to make today’s post short and sweet.  A few years back a well known Zen teacher shared this poem by W.H Auden with me.

At the time I was having some difficulty in my practice and was on the verge of what I now jokingly like to call my nervous-breakthrough.  It was exactly what I needed to hear…

In fact after hearing it only once, something clicked and I woke up to much of the nonsense I was creating and had created in my life.  It was the perfect teaching at the perfect time!

I guess we could say that one of the true gifts of a wise teacher is good timing, having the intuition to know when a student is ripe and what teaching will make that apple fall from the tree.

In truth, life is the wisest of teachers.  If we are truly paying attention then the trees, our pets, our children, our enemies, the crazy man talking to himself on the subway, everyone and everything becomes that wise teacher with perfect timing…

The reason this is so is because they are mirrors reflecting ourselves back on ourselves and vice versa.  If it wasn’t for everyone and everything else, we would be blind, life would be meaningless, we would be dead…

I hope you like it…

We would rather be ruined than change,

We would rather die in our own dread

Than climb the cross of the moment,

And let our illusions die.

Until next time…

Kind Regards,

A

I heard someone speaking the other day and he mentioned being spiritual.  Now normally, that statement would not have even elicited the raising of one eyebrow, but in this case it was a two eyebrow raise because he also used the word authentic.  

For some reason as soon as he said that, it became evident that he could not be authentic and spiritual at the same time.

The reason I say this is because he clearly had a specific idea, an image if you will, of what it was to be spiritual and it was very, very conceptual.  

This guy is not alone.  I think a great number of us are keeping him company.

That mental imagery may consist of being peaceful, kind and compassionate.  Of Being calm, balanced and generous.  It may invoke images of religious figures, spiritual teachers, of historical figures both past and present. Whatever it may be, we have a certain conceptual framework of what it is like to be spiritual. 

I wanted to ask this man if he thought being angry was spiritual, if being really, really horny was spiritual, if wanting to smoke a joint or get really rip roaring drunk at a loud rock concert was spiritual, if seeing a beautiful woman and having wishfulsinful thoughts was spiritual, if wanting the big piece or the last piece of cake was spiritual.

I wanted to ask him if thinking someone was an asshole and not liking them was spiritual.  If wanting to tell your lover once and for all, “Yes, your ass looks big in those pants.  You’ve definitely put on some weight but I still love you, want you and think your sexy as hell!”, was spiritual.  

Please don’t do that by the way unless you want to injure your intimacy and set your sex life way, way back!

I am not condoning being hurtful.  I am merely illustrating a point in humorous and practical way.

Being authentic requires being authentic and often drastically conflicts with our visions of being spiritual.

Conforming and submitting to our ideals of spirituality often requires a high measure of inauthenticity (I know that is not a real word but not using it would be inauthentic), which we would say is definitely not spiritual.  

If you feel angry then feel angry.  Hear its song.  Get to know it intimately.  Dance with it!

I want to make it clear however, that I am not suggesting we act our anger out or say that hurtful thing to another because it is the “truth.”    

The spiritual person however will often reject anger, lust, etc or dilute it to the point of being unrecognizable because it is not “good” or “right” or “kind” or “skillful” or…you get the point.

The problem with this is that they are suppressing that which is arising in the moment, the only time that is real, and sedating themselves.  They are being highly inauthentic and depriving themselves of the nourishment that life is providing them.  If you allow your lust, or your anger or whatever is arising in the moment to be and allow yourself to be with it, you are nourished by it.  It becomes integrated  and non-problematic.  It becomes something very spiritual, something very special, something very ordinary and uncomplicated.

It becomes the truth.  

But herein lies the problem.

Although we say we want to be true to ourselves and want truth in our lives, we are usually not willing to live and be in ways that support it.

Truth is (no pun intended), we don’t like the truth.  It is not always pleasant and we want to feel good.  We want to feel good now!  We don’t want to be uncomfortable, even for a moment.

So what do we do?   We do anything and everything we can to avoid it.  We subvert ourselves and drive ourselves insane.  Then we take medications or party or buy things or become driven or set up any number of traps that ensnare our happiness. 

When we reject what is arising in the moment, we force it to go underground.  And when we do that it takes on a life of it’s own.  It will be heard no matter what you do, but when it resurfaces it will be unrecognizable and seemingly coming from everywhere.  Everywhere but where it is really coming from…you!

So really, even though we would say that being authentic is a big part of being spiritual, there is much incongruity between the two as we practice them in moment to moment life.

What is the moral of this story?  I don’t know.  

Well, yes I do know.  I was trying to be nice (fake spiritual) and show idiot compassion.  I was not being authentic. See, I am not immune to it either! 

The moral of this story is that if you run around calling yourself spiritual you are probably filled with lots of unresolved unconscious material that you put there by being inauthentic.

We are all full of  shit to a greater or lesser extent, and that waxes and wanes from moment to moment.  Authenticity involves owning what is arising in every moment in a skillful way, in a “spiritual” way if you want to call it that, and not denying or diluting it.

When we do this we grow.  We are nourished and not caught in time.  We are much more free to be ourselves and to connect with others as our true self, which will make the world a better place.  People will sense our ease and in turn be much more likely to open up and awaken to their true self when they are in our presence.  We become healers in a sense.  We become messengers.      

Until next time…

Kind Regards,

A

Greetings everyone!  Check out my latest podcast.

This was an interesting one for me.  Recorded this blogcast at midnight while driving in a torential downpour on I-79!  Couldn’t get to my laptop but thanks to my handy, dandy Olympus voice recorder I have no excuses!  Great toy!  

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

Hi everyone!

I was doing a bit of traveling and did a few audio blogs and for some reason (actually, a specific reason I just can’t seem to figure out. Where is Craig Ernst when you need him!) could not get them into mp3 format and on into my blog.

My apologies for being an absentee blogger.  I did put in the work in but…

Anyway…

Now back to our regularly scheduled program!  “Pleased to Meet Me?”

When I first started a meditation practice, I thought it would make me calm and peaceful all the time. I thought that I would be in a perpetual state of equanimity and be largely problem free.

And at first, that is what occurred.  That is until I met myself!

“Meditation gives you what nothing else can give you…it introduces you to yourself” – Swami Rama (1925-1996)

Wow, what a rude awakening!

As I sat on my black cushion (zafu), I watched my thoughts wiz by, one-by-one, like cars on a busy highway.  My mind was the highway and my thoughts were the traffic.  Some were Ferrari’s, some mud-covered monster trucks, some were practical and safe, and many were run away eighteen wheelers with no brakes!  Some days the streets were quiet and uncrowded and others a full-on traffic jam filled with gun toting, expletive expounding road ragers!

I felt empowered by my ability to not identify with these thoughts and body sensations.  In acutality, I was.

I thought that I found the answer and in some ways I did.  My body was relaxed and I was much less reactive.

But what I found out was that sooner or later one has to face themselves if they want to get past themselves.

It is that old cliche’ that one has to be their authentic self before they can be their no-self or as Jack Engler put it, “You have to be somebody to be nobody.”

If I wanted to be selfless, I first had to have a healthy sense of self.

Sound confusing?  It is and it isn’t.

What it boils down to is this.  If you want a life of freedom and authenticity, you have to meet yourself.

Many people approach meditation and other mindfulness/spiritual practices as if they are the cure.  They have this belief that once they get a solid practice, everything will be great.

Awakening, enlightenment or whatever you wish to call it does not free you from your shortcomings and idiosyncrasies.  It does not solve your problems.  It illuminates them.

“There is no way to practice meditation or other any spiritual path that is immune from the anxieties, needs, belief structures, emotional pattens, or dynamics of our own personal history and our own character.  At the end of the day, we still have to work with sides of ourselves we perhaps hoped practice would make unnecessary.”

For me it was painfully evident that I was a little more messed up than I thought I was.  When I told my Zen teacher this, he just laughed and said that was a good thing.  He said, “It’s too late to turn back now.  You could, but I know you and once you start seeing this stuff, as painful and embarassing as it can be, you will be determined to face it and send it on it’s way.  Your shit will just keep coming up over and over until it burns itself out!”

He was right to an extent but he was also wrong.  I would clarify that by saying that your aim should never be to get rid of that stuff.  Like it or not, it is what makes you you.  But by the time we are past the age of 6 or 7, it is too late anyway.  We have complexes and negative emotional charges.  We are condtioned, we have the foundation of our belief systems, our values, our defensive styles, etc.

If we are fortunate,  we are born with a great biology that is coupled with a great biography.  We are shown much love, given much freedom, have safety, are spared from our caregivers neuroses and function well in most parts of our lives.

For most of us, that is not the case.  At least for me, it wasn’t.

Regardless of  our biological  and biographical signatures, the goal should be to raise our awareness and adjust our focus in ways that enable us to put much space around our particular conditioning, emotional charges, etc and what Carl Jung called our “shadows.”

We want to integrate, not eliminate!

That is truly meeting yourself!  Once you know who you are, you can understand what makes you tick and how you do you.

From this internal spaciousness arises the freedom to consciously create your life…

Well, that is all for now.  Tomorrow, I think I will go a little further into our “shadows” and mybe even do a little “shadow work.”  Call it “Shadows 101!”

Until then…

Kind Regards,

A