Last night, I spoke with an old friend until two in the morning. She was having some trouble letting go of a past relationship and seemed very distraught.
She told me of how, although she was faithful sexually, she engaged in many transgressions that she strongly believes created a deep mistrust and a lack of respect on the part of her former lover which eventually led to the demise of the relationship.
She also made it clear that he was her best friend and that in her post relationship friendship with him, she was still doing things to subvert trust.
She kept telling me how much it hurt and how she could not let go no matter how hard she tried.
She also used the words “pain” and “hurts” repeatedly. She said she was in pain and was hurting, but in actuality she was suffering. There is a world of difference between what we call “pain” and what we call “suffering” so I think that it would be useful to make a distinction before we go any further.
Please allow me to share this small quote by Nisargadatta Maharaj that clearly makes this distinction:
“Pain is physical; suffering is mental. Beyond the mind there is no suffering. Pain is merely a signal that the body is in danger and requires attention. Similarly, suffering warns us that the structure of memories and habits, which we call the person, is threatened by loss or change. Pain is essential for the survival of the body, but nothing compels you to suffer. Suffering is due entirely to clinging or resisting; it is a sign of our unwillingness to move on, to flow with life.”I think many of us have been down the same road as my friend to a greater or lesser extent. I know I have!
We have all hurt and been hurt. We have all injured a relationship in our lives…romantic or otherwise. That is part of being human.
Unfortunately, not changing, repeating our unskillful behaviors and then beating ourselves up by telling ourselves the story over and over again is also human.
We tend to do that. We tend to get stuck in our stories. In fact we get addicted to them.
In this case we activate suffering by mistaking our stories for ourselves, for who we are because they are so compelling and vivid. They are not real in any true and lasting sense and they are certainly not who we are. They are thought objects that we have been conditioned to identify with.
Please don’t believe everything you think!
I would like to pause a moment to really get your attention…are you with me? Good! Please tattoo these words on your brain:
ALL OUR STORIES ARE UNTRUE…
Did you get that? Okay, now tattoo these words on your brain:
NOBODY CAN SHOW YOU MORE LOVE AND COMPASSION THAN YOU…
We are at our best and living authentically when we are living our best by being authentic. I know that potentially comes off as a bit simplistic and cliche’ but I’ll risk that today.
I don’t normally recap or break things down into little bullet points, but these three points bear repeating. Please know that they come from my heart and the hearts of many wise people before me…I am not telling you anything new. You could even say that I am being a bit selfish because I am helping myself by reminding you.
So here they are:
- All of our stories are untrue…
- Suffering is a choice and completely different than pain…
- Nobody can show you more love and compassion than you…
These are very useful things to remember but it is also important to remember that if you find yourself engaging in specific desructive patterns in your relationships or with yourself that seem to keep repeating themselves automatically, it is of the utmost importance that you seek wise counsel and even get professional help.
Most of our problematic and especially our destructive patterns are usually deeply rooted in past trauma (environmental and emotional) and can only be safely accessed and addressed with the help of someone who has much experience and training in dealing with those types of things.
Seeking this help is not weakness. In fact, it is a sign of strength.
However, not seeking it is often insanity and a symptom of what is ailing you, so to speak. It is choosing to suffer and cause suffering!
We all need teachers, wise-counsel and mentors at points in our lives.
Don’t forget that!
Life is a precious gift and is best lived as such, as an extension of gratitude. It is best not squandered with needless internal preoccupation and suffering.
Because when all is said and done, suffering is a choice.
Until next time…
Kind Regards,
A
Cindy
Lisa McLellan
Anthony
Darryl Pace
Keri Eagan
Vegas Boomer Dating Expert
Michael D Walker
Vicki
Peggy Larson
Heavy duty shit bro! I think I dated your friend in college…lol. Seriously though, I have been hurt but have probably done much more hurting. Especially in my younger days so I can relate to her in that regard. For me it was unfortunately being unfaithful. I was always honest about it afterwards but it was still wrong and hurtful. I got mine later in life and try to live better than that.
You are correct in saying that most of our automatic bad behaviors and cycles are caused by previous injury and are probably meant to protect us in some disfunctional way. I liked those three points by the way but we still need the big guns as you said when we are really stuck or blind to what we are doing.
We usually find out the hard way unfortunately.
Peace,
Dirk
Anthony,
I really loved this post! You have a way with words and making things so simple.
I tend to complicate things with too much thinking. Especially today, so this is what I needed.
Thanks for reminding me to be grateful!
Sherri
Dude,
I never thanked you for that cool response to my comment from before. It made alot of sense to me. I stil don’t like all that weird hippy stuff my mom talks about but I guess som e of it is good to know. I’d rather hear it from you because I can tell you are punk rock all the way! Seems like zen can be very punk rock. Do you think so?
You got me out of the woodwork again with this one man. Like Dev, she sounds like my ex-girlfriend. I know the post is not about your friend per se but it struck a chord.
Some people just lie automatically all of the time. Sometimes it is due to growing up in an unsafe scene or with messed up parents…sometimes it is just a personality disorder of some kind. I have told many a lie in my day, mostly little ones but some people lie in an entirely different pathological kind of way.
Joe
Something went wrong with my last comment so let me try again.
I know this was not a post about lying but it struck a chord within me.
I was saying that some people just lie all the time due to growing up in a bad scene and others just seem to be wired to do it automatically. Most of us if not all have told lies in our day but for some people it is just what they do. They lie when they don’t have to and make up elaborate stories when they don’t have to speak at all. They just have to be talking. It can be a disorder of the personality. My girlfriend told me the specific disorder but I forget.
Good point about getting professional help when we do these destructive things on autopilot.
Anthony,
Great post my friend. It is so true that people re-visit their past over and over and tend to stay there. Attatchment at times can be a bad thing.
“All unhappiness comes from attatchment” …Buddha
Lynn Lane
Success Strategies For Life
Success Today
Anthony,
That was a beautiful post. We do indeed get caught up in our stories and relive the past far too often.
Regards,
Karen
I love the distinction you made between pain and suffering. It really makes sense. I try not to relive the unhappy times too much but occasionally I find myself slipping.
Lisa McLellan
Babysitting Services – Babysitters and Nannies
This is a great distinction, Anthony.
I guess it’s always the stories we tell ourselves that cause us to suffer, not the events or experiences themselves.
Awesome post, Anthony! I agree that suffering is a choice and that nobody can show us more love or compassion than we can show ourselves. Regarding all of our stories being untrue, my understanding of what you are saying is that those stories are not who we are; they don’t define us. Correct, or no? If that is what you mean, I wholeheartedly agree.
Again, great post. Keep on keeping on!
Health, Fitness — Darryl Pace
Fitness Product Review
I understand but what is the way to choose not to suffer? How do we do that? I think I am with Darryl on the stories part, meaning that I got that part. It is the other part that scares me.
Really liked the post by the way!
Kelly
Hi Anthony,
Superb post!
You had me with the title you know! “Suffering IS a choice”
Everything is a choice! And when we truly realize that life is based on the decisions we make moment to moment and thats its totally in our control then you truly become the master of your own destiny!!
Duane
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Hi Anthony,
The quote by Nisargadatta Maharaj is beautiful and you expand on it damn well.
Life IS a matter of choices. So is suffering!
Great to see you ‘ve so many NEW raving fans here!
John Ho
Numerology Expert Helps Understanding Personality for Better Influence & Persuasion
Numerology Expert Birthday Numeroscope
Numerology Expert Helps Understanding Personality for Better Influence & Persuasion
It’s one of the most empowering things in life to realise that we can escape some of our own attitudes and deep-rooted behaviours.
I was talking to a brilliant man earlier this week who I had the great fortune to be introduced to. He told me about a moment he had when he was running his own company and getting really stressed. He realised that his job of managing the company was to deal with problems; if there weren’t any problems he wouldn’t have a job. Once he’d framed it like that he stopped being stressed!
Philip Graves
Consumer Behaviour Expert
All of our stories are untrue…
Suffering is a choice and completely different than pain…
Nobody can show you more love and compassion than you
Ok, I am with you, but the first one troubles me. (All of our stories are untrue.) Am I the only one that feels that statement is a flawed statement? I like the post, and I agree with much of what you had to say. I just can’t entirely get behind the first point that all of our stories are untrue.
They are true, as they usually are what happened. No? I just think maybe it comes down to a matter of forgiveness. Forgive you, or myself? Well I don’t know. But I have to think that it comes down to a little bit of both at times. Sometimes we need to seek forgiveness from others when we have some stories that happened and that were true at the time, and that we may come to regret. At other times, I think we need to learn how to forgive ourselves too.
Once we can forgive ourselves (and maybe sometimes give ourselves a good talking too as well) I think we can move on, and learn from our past events.
So that is what I think regarding the first point.
Thanks for the post though as I do agree with where you were going with it.
“You yourself more then anyone else in this world deserves your love and affection. “. Buddha fifth cent. B.C. I was rereading some of your older blogs and this one. Well, is definatly one of your best my opinion. I drop by from time to time to feed my brain or just to still my mind, yes Allan Watts!
Your articles on meditation are easy to digest unlike some of the other literature I am currently studying.
I want to point out that I am not a practicing Buddhist. Rather studying the many different facets of Buddihsm.
Your pieces on nutrition are well put together and highly informational, it’s just I feel you have a gift for the laymen in way of presentation regarding your journey. I understand how this all ties together but would it be selfish of me to request more articles on meditation, such as the different types and perhaps a bit of instruction. I’m sure you don’t want to give up to much of your bread and butter.
Thank you for your wisdom and keep it coming.
So well written and true. Like others I have been down both roads.
Destructive patterns may be hard to over come – it is the self that has to realize the programs and feel the desire to change the patterns. Those who suffer hold on to something they can not change – the past.
Vicki http://www.bridal-threads.com